I did a bad thing last night....again.
Unintentionally. I didn't expect it to be what it had turned out to be but it did. It's like a snowball rolling down a mountain.
I had a fight again with my old man. It's a shameful thing. I hate what I'm feeling right now. I did apologize and hug him last night but I went to bed with a heavy feeling in my chest knowing that I just ripped out a bandage on an old wound.
It started simple enough.
I walked in and there he was telling me to stop using my electric oven because the electricity bill shot up too high. Had he stopped there, it would still be ok but in his annoying fashion, he kept on nagging, giving me a speech about how he had to pay for so many things and my activities in the kitchen were burdening him. Believe me, if I just stood there and stay quiet, he would really go on for a whole hour even or more on the same topic. Yes, he's THAT talkative.
With the stress at work and my total dislike for his 'speech', I was very annoyed that he didn't just show me the bill and asked me to pay. In fact, I had always intended to pay my bit but I have pretty vague idea about when do bills arrive in this house. I hate meandering speech. I've always been the straight-to-the-point type.
I suddenly snapped. Saying something along the line of 'just show me the bill', 'easier to talk with figures' and 'what's the point of nagging'. The last word made him blow his top. He walked away to take the bills threatening to slap my face for being horribly rude.
I inherited the worst part of my old man's characteristics. His temper. It's not something I'm proud of. I have struggled all throughout my life to control mine. I'm a much calmer person now and I am known at my workplace as the one who treats others kind and fair but in the wrong moments, the deep dark ugly demon would raise its head. Strangely, my old man and one of my brothers who has bad temper too don't seem to see theirs as a problem. Maybe because they're male and ours is a patriarchal male-dominated society? Men can get away with it easily.
Then the war of words started to ensue with us both shouting ugly things about and to each other. My old man challenged me to list out what I despised in him. I refused to go down that road again. I did that before, years ago and it almost severed my blood ties with him. Seeing me quiet, he saw that as defeat on my part. Now THAT annoyed me.
My big brother stepped in to calm us both and after some persuasion, he succeeded in getting us to cool down. I apologized to my dear old man and hugged him saying I was truly sorry.
The worst thing about the whole ugly episode is we were fighting in front of the full view of my two young nephews. I just set a bad example for my beloved nephews.
What struck me most about the effect the ugly incident had on the little ones was the look on my nephew's face when I smiled at him with dear dad standing near by. The little boy looked at me and then his grandpa and then me and then grandpa. I knew at that moment that he was thinking about last night.
Ok. For my love of the young ones' future, I am promising myself today that I will NOT to the best of my ability, pick up a fight with my father again. His blessings and trust mean so much more to me more than he will ever know.
I want the bridge to remain unbroken.........