Words of Wisdom

In life, we have to choose between the jeans and the cookie jar. Liz Hurley chose the jeans and I chose the cookie jar

~ Nigella Lawson....(on women's body image and her own voluptuous body)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Who will be with me when everyone else is gone?

Another elder in the family passed away. One of my maternal grandfather's younger sisters.

From what I heard, my grandfather refused to leave her side the night she was brought home from the hospital. In her lifetime, I never really saw her getting too affectionate with her grandkids but somehow she would always shower me with hugs and kisses every time we met. I don't know how or why they found it difficult. To me she was hilarious. I could always joke with her and tease her. I liked giving her hugs and she would always return the affection.

I went to the burial ceremony with guilt. That's because my mother asked me to take her to visit this ailing elderly woman but I was not too keen. I said that she was placed in the CCU and it would be a waste of time to go since they allow only two people at a time. To me, it was better if we gave way to her children and grandchildren. Besides, my mother was not feeling very well anyway. Just a few hours later, we received a call from a relative that she was gone. I don't know how to describe it other than oops......on my part.

Later in the day, I asked my mother, since all my younger brothers would be working in the capital city and my elder brother is scheduled to move out with his family, who would be the one to take care of her and my father. She said "You". I was taken aback. Look. That's a horrifying thought. The thing I certainly do not want in my life is to grow into an old maid who has to live with her parents because she can't afford to live on her own and has to take care of them in return till the rest of their lives......or hers.

Another horrifying thought came to my head. What if my sister moves out? Then, all will be up to me? I have never been keen on the idea of my elder brother moving out. In my mind even back then, since he was the one who definitely isn't leaving the village and being the eldest, he should be the one inheriting the family house. I don't want to be stuck here. I have always been the one who wants to go out and see the world. I want to be out there seeking adventures. Yet, everything that's happening just chains me here.

If only I had the salary befitting my job title, I would definitely be living in my own condo unit somewhere near the city and spend my money on trips to overseas to catch my favourite bands in concerts.

There is only one thing that's actually scaring me. What if I'm confined to life in the village, unable to move out? What would happen to me once my parents are not with me anymore? My siblings would have their own lives to live. Would I be left alone in that big family house with old memories of what things used to be? It scares me to the core. Just thinking about it upsets me. Dying is a sure thing but it's more tragic that I haven't really lived.

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